(When his greatest achievement of the day is getting to level 50, you know it’s time to trade up)
With all the ghosting, benching, catfishing and kittenfishing going on it’s hard enough to navigate the choppy waters of modern dating. If you aren’t being drip fed half arsed texts and lame excuses involving the words “sooo busy” you could be stuck in the muddy mire of the “situationship” or heaven forbid the frustratingly boring “textationship”. So when you find a bonafide, garden variety relationship you can’t help but exhale in relief.
Ah, the comfortable bliss of Nexflix and takeaway. You made it to the shore safely and uncovered your pepperoni fetching treasure- a boyfriend. Those oxytocin fuelled honeymoon days make you never want to set sail on HMS Tinder ever again. But what about when the hormone goggles drop of and you are left with these inevitable questions. “Do I like this human being?” “Are they good for me and my children?”
The myopic haze of the initial sex-crazed part of a relationship can leave you “skimming over” a few minor details. Let’s call them flaws. Everyone has them. Let’s look at when flaws grow claws and become deal breakers, have you swapped one deadbeat for another? Here are the signs:
1. You can’t drag him away from Breaking Bad to go on an actual day-date to the park with you and your child.
2. The sound of a toddler crying sends him into a panic and he scuttles to the nearest public house.
3. You start to suspect he’s a vampire because he only appears after sundown.
4. He doesn’t have a job, any type of ambition and conversation about it will result in an argument.
5. He disrespects your time- you have a busy schedule, you have kids, a job possibly or maybe are still in education. You make effort to slot him into that and he repays you by
flaking on plans, not making solid plans or not considering you actually have a life to organise.
6. He wants to stay up all night eating ice cream out the tub when you have to get up at 6am to get your child ready for school.
7. When you try to confront him with a problem, he makes you feel crazy. Mature adults work it out people.
8. He doesn’t call you. As Greg, the author of He’s not that into you would say, “You deserve a fucking phone call.”
9. He comes up with lame, thinly veiled excuses as to why he’s ignored you for a week. Truth is, he can’t be bothered.
10. He wants sex after you’ve had a hellish day with the kids. Husband material runs you a bath and makes you a hot chocolate.
11. He complains that your house isn’t pristine, when he can see you have a lot on your plate.
12. He makes you feel awkward around your own child because it’s clear he’s not comfortable (so why are you here then asshole?)
13. He was all over you to begin with but once he gets comfortable, he sleeps with you and then goes back to being dull.
14. When you are in a restaurant together, you find yourself wondering if you would get a more interesting conversation out of a chair.
15. You start to get jealous of the TV, because he spends so much time with it.
16. You never know where you stand with him. This leaves you feeling stressed, anxious and irritable. You act in ways you never have before. Men who like you are honest. There no “I love you BUT…”
17. You feel like you are chasing him half the time. You start to wonder where your self-respect went.
18. He doesn’t seem to like any part of your personality, and critiques you constantly. (When once upon a time he put you on a pedestal).
19. You are strung out, fed up, and snap at your child because you haven’t heard from him all day. A text takes two seconds. Consider if a man can’t take two seconds out of his day for you why are you wasting your time?
20. Your friends are sick of hearing about him. They advise you to dump him and you know it’s right, but you hold on “just in case”.
21. You haven’t seen his family or friends. And it’s been over six months. Awkward.
22. He doesn’t compromise. And if he does, you never hear the end of it.
23. You go down on him far more than he does for you. Fuck him. Someone else with appreciate your effort AND reciprocate.
24. You find yourself explaining the same thing again and again, to no avail. Leave him to it.
25. If you ever have to wonder “what you are” to a guy, you’re nothing.
26. When he says he loves you, it just FEELS wrong. You just know deep down that it’s bullshit. It’s a titbit to keep you on the line.
27. You find yourself feeling guilty for introducing your child to him, as you know it’s going to end.
28. You are playing ‘wifey’ to an overgrown toddler. No matter how many meals you cook, lingerie sets you buy and blowjobs you give it just never seems enough. A relationship shouldn’t have to feel as taxing as nightshift at a factory.
They live among us ladies, toxic bachelors are hiding behind every right swipe. The best advice would be pay attention to your body. It knows a thing or two. If you aren’t feeling right, end it. Before he moves onto the next toy(which he will, and you will be left wondering what the fuck happened). The real him is NOT, I repeat NOT the guy from the start. That guy is the advert for the Big Mac, the guy six months down the line is the Big Mac itself. We all know the two don’t match up….
Yes you will cry. For two days. Then you will feel nothing but relief. A total sense of calm that you didn’t even know you were missing. Let it teach you your own worth so you never settle for this shit again.