Facebook. The blue and white palace of lies and duck faces (mine included). Enter this house of horrors at your own risk and hear about how someone you haven’t seen in ten years has an AMAZING job, a new cat or ate at Prezzo for lunch. Amongst the myriad of likes “hahas” and memes; there are the parenting posts(mine included) and several clear species of parenting posters can be defined…. read on to discover which one you are…. 🙈
1. The realist – Cue food smeared faces, candid tantrum shots and messy living rooms. Every other status is a complaint about how shit procreating turned out to be. Is it refreshing or depressing? I can’t decide. It’s good to know that you aren’t the only one covered in bodily fluids though.
2. The not so cryptic – you just know, that on Father’s Day there will be a “Happy Sperm Donor Day!” Meme on her wall for all to see. Cue passive aggressive statuses aimed at “no one in particular”.
3. The House of Pain – you’ve just got to wonder why this woman’s kids are always ill? And why she felt the need to inform us all , YET AGAIN. You also can’t help but wonder how her kids would do in the Middle Ages.
4. Parent of the year- if there was a social media medal for having well dressed kids placed in front of healthy meals this woman would win hands down. Always seem to stumble across this when my child is wearing my Amsterdam Tee with his bare ass out. *promptly deletes slightly burnt bangers and mash photo with Valencia filter*
5. The “cool” one- not so cool that her toddler takes the train by itself but cool enough to go to a festival avec bebe.She still somehow manages to fit into skinny jeans just fine. Can be seen out with their shared pet potato “Boris” the only potato in existence with a Mohawk.
6. My kids are my world- has her kids as her Facebook profile picture. Makes me feel bad for being vain enough to have a selfie as a profile picture instead.
7. Alpha Mum- videos of her doing push-ups with her child playing horsie on her back, running with her pram and generally acting in an inhuman manner are to be expected. She looks fucking great though.
8. Mother of teenagers- can be seen going on an actual child free holiday. Holy shit.
9. Mother of dragons- not an actual mother but a Game of Thrones fan. Was kept up all night by fictitious fire breathing lizards and a YouTube montage of shirtless Jon Snow.
10. Normal parent- 10% of each of these subtypes consistently.