Modern dating “trends” that make you feel like a psycho

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Actual footage of my mentality on Tinder

Back in the Jurassic ages of the dating timeline, relationships went a little something like this: Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl and boy go for dinner, boy and girl get married. Now it’s a little more like this: Boy and girl swipe each other on some dating app, boy and girl text multiple potentials and whittle it down to the final few, boy asks girl if she wants to “hang out”. Boy and girl hang out and possibly have sex. Girl/boy waits anxiously by their phone for post coitus acknowledgement. Girl/boy gives up all hope and starts swiping on dating app again. Intermittent texts give each other hope but it eventually fizzles out to nothing.

Sound familiar? Yes, modern dating may have the satisfaction and convenience of a dirty kebab at midnight, but it often leads down the road to nowhere. Let’s take a look at the most frustrating and bizarre modern dating trends that have become accepted as the norm.

1. Ghosting – Casper the friendly fuckboy. Since when did it become ok just to drop someone and act like they never existed? Where’s the courtesy of the “I’m not really feeling it” text. Ghosting leaves room for a resurrection. It can leave you hanging on the phone waiting for a reply that will never come. Personally I think it’s ridiculously rude. Tie up your dead ends folks.
2. Benching – the bencher feeds the benchee titbits of affection and then withdraws. Can’t follow up with an actual plan. Yep, you are on the reserve list. Benchee loses hope, then their phone pings. It’s them! They do like you after all! Alas, the cycle starts again and you are left wondering what the fuck. Listen here buddy if I’m not your star player I’m not interested.
3. Cat fishing- contrary to popular belief it’s not just women that do this. Men pose in order to look more muscular/less bald than they actually are. I once thought I was meeting a hot guy with a six pack and a full head of blonde hair, instead I got greyo the grandad.
4. Commitment phobia- the psychological disease that according to statistics only affects 1-3% of the population appears to be rife these days. “Let’s see how it goes” “I’m not looking for anything serious” is a staple in the male repertoire.Change the record.
5. Dick pics- before you’ve even discovered what they’ve done for work you’ve seen a close up of their genitalia. Fabulous.
6. The Texationship- has to be the biggest waste of time known to man. You text daily yet nothing occurs IRL. You get neck cramp from looking at your phone at your half imaginary beau.
7. 24 hour romance – it seems people can become bored of you within the space of a day. Tuesday you had a hilarious, all night conversation, come Wednesday you’re old news.
8. Chasing a man- ok so it’s refreshing in a way the tables have turned, yet there’s still something that seems a little wrong about it. You never know if he’s truly interested or replying to be polite. Personally I try to stay as old school as possible regarding this one.
9. Netflix and Chill – except there’s nothing chill about it. You consider installing a trapdoor next to your sofa to dispose of men quickly and easily.
10. Quantity not quality- you are speaking to more men than ever before, you have a phonebook brimming with potential suitors. Yet somehow nothing seems to stick. How the hell does that work?

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