“Kids are like monkeys on cocaine”

IMG_7394.JPGWe all love our children, that goes without saying. However, Life gets busy, dishes pile up, nappies get thrown and discovered later. Bottles with mould inside them can sometimes fossilise in the cupboard.

Kids are like monkeys on cocaine.

Sometimes you just want to tear your hair out.

Here are our worst moments, because if we are honest with ourselves we have done at least one of these things!

1. When you pour cereal into a bowl and slope back off to bed to enjoy your hangover in peace.
2. When they have “picnics” all day because you can’t be bothered to cook.
3. When married couples looking bored gives you a malicious hint of satisfaction.
4. When you realise that your child has practically been raised by the television.
5. When you take them to the park and leave after twenty minutes because you are bored.
6. When turn a blind eye to your toddler thieving from the Pick N’ Mix because you know it will keep him quiet.
7. When you communicate using only threats and bribes for a whole 24 hours.
8. When you skip pages in the storybook because they “Won’t notice”.
9. When the nursery tells you that your child had a slight graze on their hand as if it were a mortal injury- and you can’t even pretend to care because you know the same child fully head butted a radiator the other day and was fine.
10. When a fruit shoot becomes part of “Five a day”.
11. When there is no other option but to make your son pee in a bush to avoid an accident.
12. When your child has a bruise and the school teachers look at you sideways.
13. When your child has bathed twice a week because you forgot.
14. When you accidentally slip a few annoying toys into the trash without them noticing. Fuck you McDonalds Happy Meal trinkets.
15. When you don’t actually listen about their day and just repeat “That’s nice” until they stop talking, because you are deathly tired.
16. When you hate In Night Garden with a passion. (I call it the Nightmare Garden)
17. When you sometimes let your kid watch loose women with you and justify it by saying “Its the real world” they need to know about the “real world”.

18. When your child drops their toy and immediately mutters “shit” under their breath. This is the moment you realise you swear too much.

19. When you throw Nutri-Grain bars at them on the school run because there wasn’t time for breakfast.

20. When you let them hoover to “entertain themselves” (anyone else?)

21. When they wee in their bed and you just cover it with a towel.

22. When you let them splash in the bath for half an hour while you sit on the toilet and scroll your phone. “Water play” is fun right?

23. When they run around in the nude all day, and end up covered in felt tip.




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