Ah Tinder, the digital jungle we love and loathe to navigate. Maybe there is a kitten loving, hunk of a man embedded in the deck like a sparkling bounty of pirate treasure. Other than being a pastime to whittle down the minutes until your train arrives, apparently some people meet life partners on dating apps. Being something of a Tinder veteran I’m going to share my ten cents on the matter. Still no husband on the horizon for me, but plenty of laughs.
1. The walking erection – this man plays no games. He doesn’t shy away from telling you he’s “rock solid” and ready to go. All applicants welcome it seems.
What to expect: 🍆 and 🍑 in abundance.
2. Man’s best friend– he read somewhere that if you hold a dog in your photos more women will like you. So he grabbed the nearest pooch and took a selfie.
What to expect: don’t be fooled by his apparent love for animals. Just saying.
3. Mr Demanding – “If you don’t talk or make conversation then I’m not interested” “NO catfish!” This Bio just makes me pass on by, personally. If you can’t handle a little catfish then you won’t do well with me at 8am when I look like Quasimodo’s lesser known sister.
What to expect: He doesn’t actually make conversation
4. Snapchat filter– uses dog ears to fill the void where his personality should be. Gives the impression he has a sense of humour.
What to expect: The use of the word “babe” or “Hun” without actually knowing you and an account of his lads night without you asking.
5. The Optimist– Invited you to a party that very night, in the hope you will come. Alas, the naive boy doesn’t know that I’m festering away in my dressing gown. It takes a couple of hours of prep to be party ready and that’s the first issue with this. The second issue is I’m not rocking up to a random party with a stranger from Tinder.
What to expect: He won’t make conversation again
6. The straight shooter – “What are you looking for on here?” Usually checking if you are up for casual sex. If you are, go for it.
What to expect: Casual sex
7. Gym guy – If you ask him what he’s been up to he will say “Just been at the gym” to which you will reply “cool” and he will get lost in the sea of messages never to be found again.
What to expect: Shirtless pictures
8. Mr Keen– He’s keener than Robert Earl Keen (Country Music Singer) and sends you several messages in a row without a reply. If you don’t respond he will send a passive aggressive “What’s the point in matching then?” message. Which you will (hopefully ignore).
What to expect: Him, frosting up your kitchen window as he presses his face against it.
10. The guy who skipped “SKL” – he can’t spell for shit and you just can’t spend an hour translating his messages from kindergarten to adult.
What to expect: Horrific abbreviations
11. The creep– seems normal at first then casually drops in how he’s “so horny”.
What to expect: Disappointment at the fairly normal seeming man.
12. Potential serial killer– Good conversation, handsome, intelligent.
What to expect: That it’s too good to be true