Astro Kids: The No Fucks Guide to the Zodiac

 

Whether you’re a committed star gazer or here just for the shits and gigs, this is the tongue in cheek guide to your children’s sign

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Aries♈️: Tantrums galore, don’t even bother putting them in a trolley at a supermarket. Your precious little ram will head butt his friends and steal their sweets. If your child is male he will play kiss chase with his crush then blank her in math class an hour later.

Taurus♉️: Romantics at heart, the Taurus child will pick a flower for their playground sweetheart then spend the rest of lunchtime crying because they got rejected. Will eat everything in the cupboards including the dog food.

Gemini♊️: Kingpin of the schoolyard will make the best Pokemon card deals. Will double cross friends and enemies alike. There’s no telling which twin you will get on long journeys. Responds best if you just give them your iPhone.

Cancer♋️: Constant crybaby asshole. Looks out of windows in a melancholy fashion to get attention. Drinks five litres of Mountain Dew and passes out in a sugary stupor.

Leo♌️: Will only wear a superman costume, even to bed. Is so convinced they are superman that you consider taking them to a child psychiatrist. Really shells out on Mother’s Day, expect handmade cards and pasta bracelets. No effort is too great for a little lion.

Virgo♍️: This is the child that shouts “Fucking Marbles!” In the middle of a restaurant. Will call you out on your BS in front of friends “I thought you didn’t like Susan Mummy. Susan has bad hair.” Best locked in a room.

Libra♎️: Can never decide which shoes to wear, which makes you constantly late. Charms the shit out of extended family members to get free sweets. The only way to get them to behave when on an outing is bribery.

Scorpio♏️: Even as a baby, little scorpions stare right into the heart of your soul. Will try to build shrines to Satan in your living room. Has no friends but a large collection of snails which have names like “Rotten Spirit”. Make sure you don’t step on Rotten Spirit.

Sagittarius♐️: Will climb the highest tree at the park and have several “boyfriend/girlfriends” at once. Expect trouble at the school disco. Enjoys playing with matches and eating dirt.

Capricorn♑️: Bossy little shit. Will have a “bank” in their room (a collection of your loose change) which you will have to “withdraw” from if you need to pay for something. Likes practical toys like hoovers.

Aquarius♒️: So weird you distance yourself from them in public. Will often come out with profound phrases such as “Everybody dies” or “I feel like I’m an alien”. Interested in wheels. Just give them a wheel and they will be occupied for 24 hours or more.

Pisces♓️: Still getting breastfed at 30. Actually answers the phone when you ring, unlike all other signs. Is the one at house parties that tries in vain to clean up while everyone else is spray painting tigers on the walls.

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