Hands up if you don’t have time to line up every organic avocado in Tesco to check which one is worthy of your chai seed salad? Put both hands in the air if the expectations of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop blog are of unicorn proportions. Not only do I not have time to orchestrate the perfect “week long detox” Gwyneth, I don’t know which planet I can purchase a vaginal steamer from. When Amazon launches on Mars, call me.
Paired with some form of exercise routine, apparently eating healthy causes a higher rate in the purchase of bikinis.
Not only that, eating right makes you feel less like a depressed potato on the potato therapist’s couch and more of a sparkling spud.
You will have extra energy to shout at your children and carry bags of shopping up the stairs.
So ladies, put your donor kebab down and check out my cheat version of popular diets. It’s the reason I can still shop in the children’s section of Matalan and buy cheap rail tickets. (What others reasons are there to be skinny?)
Tip 1: If you are booked in to Butlins for the summer (because let’s face it we are too poor to go anywhere else) you want to impress the creepy old men hanging around the pool. The first way to do that is seaweed soup. Now hear me out. Firstly yes, it tastes like shit. BUT if you have this every day for lunch not only will you be packing in iodine (if you have thyroid problems this is not recommended) , iron and vitamin C it’s a great way to keep off the pounds. You can also transport this to work/uni.
Ingredients: 1 packet of instant miso 🍜
1/4 cup of dried seaweed
Soy sauce (if desired)
Method: Add boiling water to the miso, add the seaweed. Wait five minutes. Done.
This is also beneficial for people with thinning or slow growing hair, seaweed will give lacklustre locks a massive boost.
Tip 2: Goop will have you believe that shitting yourself is the only way to go. A sickening blend of wheatgrass and the blood of ten fairies will cost you roughly £100 each morning. Can I get a “fuck that”? Here’s a money saving smoothie you can freeze and have every day.
Ingredients: (makes a week’s supply)
1 tin coconut milk
1 teaspoon Vanilla Essence
Milk (soy, almond or whatever you have in the fridge)
The blood of a thousand garden gnomes (fairies are only found in Hollywood)
Method: Blend that shit in the sturdiest blender you own. Freeze in separate freezer bags, one for each day.
Tip 3: Replace dizzy drinks with water. The NHS recommends that you drink 2 litres of water a day. Label a 2 litre bottle with the time. For instance halfway down should read “1′ o clock” and make sure you’ve drank up to that level. Fizzy drinks are a massive culprit for excess weight and have been shown to cause energy loss and irritable moods. Being a Coke addict, I found this hard, so I feel you. Also when you feel the urge to snack, guzzle water instead you will feel full.
Tip 3: Instead of pasta and chips, have quinoa and whole grain rice. I know, I had trouble giving up my beloved golden friends too. Yet the feeling of not worrying about my body was worth it.
Tip 4: There are only 24 hours in a day, and for us mums most of that is dedicated to cleaning up ass spillage and suchlike. So instead of investing in a costly gym membership you will never use, get a fitness DVD ( a la 1990) or find your favourite annoying YouTuber and copy what they do. This can all be done from the comfort of your own home.
Tip 5: Snacking. The Satan of anyone trying to lose weight. So much as a glance from a packet of Mccoys and I’m seduced. The only way to avoid this is to simply not have it in the home, buy healthier snacks for the kids and employ your will power. Replace crisps with nuts (non flavoured or salted) and dark chocolate (which is full of vitamin E)
Tip 6: Fish and chicken are your friends. Here are two of my favourite recipes that you can pair with a salad 🥗 or the alternative carbs mentioned above. For vegetarians use Tofu with the same marinades.
Cajun Salmon (Louisiana with a twist)
Ingredients: Salmon fillet (Lidl has cheap ones)
2 tbsps Soy sauce
Method: 1. Add the soy sauce and the Cajun to a bowl.
2. Cut the lemon in half and put one half to the side. Squeeze the juice from one and add to the bowl. Do the same with the Orange.
3. Add the salmon to the bowl and cover with tinfoil.
4. Set the oven to 200 degrees Celsius and cook for 15-20 minutes.
Ingredients: 1 chicken fillet
1 red chilli
Red wine vinegar
Salt and pepper
Juice of 1 lemon
Method: 1. Put all ingredients bar the chicken fillet into a blender to create the marinade. Pour over the chicken fillet.
2. Marinade the chicken for 15-30 minutes depending on what kind of time you have.
3. Place the chicken on foil and drizzle 1/2 cup of marinade over it. Wrap carefully.
4. Put your spicy little package into the oven and cook at 20-25 minutes at 200 degrees celsius.
Tip 7: Don’t give up! Think of how fucking amazing you feel when you achieve your dream body. Stop covering up in oversized t-shirts or hiding away because you feel self conscious. Healthy body is a healthy mind, not only will you look fantastic you will feel more energetic! 💋