Your Dating Life as a Lord Of the Rings Parody




The quest for looking for a new partner as a single mother is much like Lord of the Rings. Imagine you are Frodo, traipsing through Middle Earth. Sam Gamgee is your child, he follows you wherever you go and has a massive appetite. You need to get to Mt.Doom in order to have your “ring destroyed”.

You start your journey in Hobbiton, where everything is sweet and tranquil. You spend your days sweeping the front porch of your little home as Sam Gamgee pretends to tend to the front lawn. He loves playing “gardener” so you just let him, even though he does a terrible job.

Then Gandalf (your wise married friend) pays you a visit. They tell you it’s high time you got your ring destroyed, before it destroys you. You don’t mess with Gandalf, he has the knowledge of ages on his side.

Your two drunk friends Merry and Pippin also want to join you on your dangerous quest, they too, have never been to Mt.Doom. Sam doesn’t know what’s going on but follows you blindly, bringing his bag full of cooking utensils. He kind of cramps your style but never mind.

So the fellowship of the ring is formed. You kind of look like an odd bunch, but someone’s going to pull eventually right? Sam needs frequent naps and toilet breaks.

The Fellowship arrives in Rivendell, a classy joint full of impossibly sexy people. None of you stand a chance. A rugged handsome man by the name of “Strider” joins your troupe and strikes up an easy flirtation with an elvish beauty. You all sit on the side and watch.

Gandalf gets captured by his old flame, Saruman. You never find out what goes on in the tower of Isengaurd but Gandalf definitely ends up in the doghouse.

Sam, the two drunks, strider and yourself end up joining forces with a raunchy ginger Dwarf and a svelte Elf; Gimley and Legolas. Now you have far more power in the dating pool. On to Mordor it is. There was no point in including Sean Beans character Boromere in the story because we all know what happens to Sean Bean. Let’s just say he fell off a cliff at Rivendell after being rejected.

You have a quick stop off at Rohan to see what’s popping. The King is under some kind of spell, turns out he caught a rather grave STI after diddling with his advisor. Gandalf returns and cures him. A horny maiden by the name of Aowen attempts to mount strider and impress him with her swordsmanship but he’s just not having it. Seems Strider gets all the action around here.

After Rohan you arrive at Gondor. Someone tells you to go on Bumble a “dating app” and an army of orcs appear. You must slaughter them all. Legolas tried to warn you that Bumble was a bad idea, but you didn’t listen.

You and Sam get separated from the group and end up meeting a little creature called Gollum. He’s obsessed with your ring and won’t leave you alone, however he knows the way to Mordor so you use him for the time being. Sam doesn’t like him at all.

After climbing a mountain in order to enter Mordor Gollum drugs you. Sam saves the day. You end up at the gates of Mordor. It’s swarming with Orcs and terrible creatures. In fact you’ve never seen such horrors, you should have just stayed in Hobbiton. It’s even worse than the Bumble fiasco. Mt Doom is nearby however, and you can’t give up.

The rest of the gang are at the foot of the mountain cheering you on, they even kill the orcs for you. You are glad to have friends such as these.

Finally you reach the top of the mountain, it’s hot up there and having your ring destroyed caused some sort of eruption. Luckily Gandalf is on hand with some Giant Eagles to help you out of there. You return to Hobbiton with Sam and make a novel out of your adventures.

The End




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