Because Life isn’t a Huggies Ad.
There are times where the precious vessels for my DNA make me contemplate murder. I would love to say it’s all wheels on the bus and rainbow cookies but we all know it’s not like that. Being a single parent is tough. Sometimes you feel like having no one else to rely on is a cruel twist of fate. Maybe I will wake up and it will all be a dream? Maybe I’m living in a video game? Here are the worst moments. I’m sure you’ve had them too.
1. Urine does not make a carpet grow. What it does do is make your house smell like Pets at Home. Bonus points for stepping on a wet patch barefooted.
2. Toilet roll is not a toy. To wake up in a house decorated with toilet paper bunting is just a normal occurrence.
3. Tantrums in the supermarket. The pitying looks from other parents, the disapproving looks from old people, the sheer noise of it all when all you want to do is buy some milk.
4. The toilet bluff. “Do you need the bathroom?” “No.” (Five minutes after leaving the house) “I need a wee!”
5. Having to see Mr. Tumble’s face every day.
6. Kid’s toys that make you want to scream. You either throw them away or never replace the batteries.
7. Fussy eating. What to do? Bed without dinner or cook another meal?
8. Strangers saying how cute your child is when they have been foul all day.
9. Sitting staring into space at the park while your child eats dirt.
10. Fantasising about shopping alone. Or going to the bathroom alone.
11. When dinner is a “picnic” with crisps and cakes. Why the fuck not.
12. Parenting advice from other people. Just no.
13. Single parenting books. Also no.
14. Single parenting statistics. Triple no.
15. Having to wipe another human being’s bottom on request. Usually while you are on the phone for some reason (am I cursed? I’m trying to pay my internet bill)
16. Making bed time 6 o clock because you can’t be arsed.
17. Feeling like washing sheets constantly is some form of purgatory. Sometimes giving up and leaving sheet washing until next week.
18. Letting your child sleep in your bed and accidentally punching them in your sleep because you were dreaming about being attacked by a bear.
19. Cleaning Rice Krispies off a wall.
20. Wondering if CBeebies has raised your child more than you have on occasion.
21. Feeling that 3 meals eaten without complaint, only one tantrum and a smooth bedtime is a major life achievement and you should be awarded the Nobel Prize because you are a fucking genius.
22. When having a conversation with your child whilst on the toilet, about what you are doing on the toilet is a totally natural occurrence.
23. Using batiste on your child because you are in a rush and their hair smells funny.
24. Using sweets as a bribe.
25. Being mother of the year on Facebook and a screaming bitch in reality.
26. Buying loads of fancy child vitamins and not giving them to your child every day (if at all).
27. Wondering what it would feel like to wake up beyond 9am.
28. Considering being very financially successful only to be able to afford boarding school.
29. Finding stickers in weird places.
30. Thinking your children’s drawings are shit but if anyone else thinks they are shit you declare your child to be Picasso.
31. Fake monsters. The ‘Dingowing’ will get you if you don’t brush your teeth ….
32. When your child/children play with your tampons more than their actual toys.
33. Always seeing hot men when you are pushing the pram through the town angrily looking like a trash queen 📷
34. Weird, unexplained stains in weird places
35. Your child filling his/her nappy on a crowded train, resulting in awkwardly squeezing through the aisles with a stinking creature in your arms whilst saying “sorry” “excuse me” repeatedly
36. Trying to shape sandwiches into stars and instead creating an artistic bread and ham representation of AIDS
37. Reasoning that Robinsons Fruit Shoot juice is a “fruit” because it has the word in it’s name…
38. Making a beautiful quinoa and vegetable lunch only to find it on the floor and having a mental breakdown while you shove frozen nuggets into the oven
39. Hating lego an unreasonable amount
40. Sometimes wondering if you need to call an exorcist