The post-motherhood era is defined by bodily fluids it seems. In abundance. Desensitisation to smells, random patches of wet, wiping another human beings bottom – it’s all par for the course. Cries of ‘I couldn’t do that!’ from your friends. Here’s the top ten.
10. When your child regurgitates half chewed food into your hand (well it’s better than the carpet). I’ve lost count of the number of mushy blobs I’ve had to carry to the bin and this happens everywhere, even in restaurants.
9. When your child practices calligraphy on the wall with their own excrement. I’m sure monkeys are more civilised to be honest.
8. When your child does something strange like try to pick your nose, or spit in your mouth. The question is WHY? The answer never becomes apparent, it’s just another gross phase of parenthood that you learn to accept.
7. Having an audience every time you go to the toilet. Then having to show your child what kind of ‘toilet’ you had. They seem impressed by what they see. As if you have created a masterpiece of some sort.
6. Having to deal with your child passing gas in public. Let’s face it, it’s funny most of the time. Yet when there’s a hot guy in the vicinity it’s just plain mortifying. Obviously now the mystery hunk will forever remember you as the ‘smelly family’.
5. When your child does a poo they have to liken the shape of it to something else before flushing. For instance, today’s episode of ‘Guess my poop’ featured a ‘Rocket’.
4. If Vibrators are not well hidden they will be brandished as swords.
3. The random middle of the queue question ‘Mummy do you need a poo?’ VERY LOUDLY
2. Having snot wiped on your arm more than once.
1.Your child announcing they have weed him/herself at midnight when you are trying to enjoy a ‘romantic’ evening with your significant other.