I don’t know about you guys but I’m one right swipe away from alcoholism. For real. There’s only so many eggplant emojis a girl can handle of an evening.
Let me just say the only eggplant you should have in your diet is sliced up on a plate, with tomato and Parmesan.
One recent example is a guy I have on Snapchat who I have nicknamed “the bath guy”. The bath guy sends a snap every night saying “bath time”. Now cleanliness is great, but if you don’t have anything more to offer me than your torso and a towel then I’m going to check the hell out of there. I don’t even know what the guy does for a living, but I know he likes the god damn bath. He asks me to “join him” and randomly texts me at midnight asking if he can come over. Needless to say he’s going to be playing with his rubber ducks on his lonesome.
So like me you are probably tired of the emojis and the late night attempts at booty calls. Let’s put some rules in place ladies, lest we get sucked into the vortex of Netflix and chill.
Rule 1: Keep dirty for the laundry (at first). If a guy goes all in with lines straight from a porno it’s safe to say he’s only after one thing. (One guy actually sent me an advert for an SandM sale as an opening line).
Rule 2: Keep them away from the kids until you are officially in a relationship. It’s tempting to play house in the first blush of lust but it’s crucial to protect your children.
Rule 3: Don’t jump into bed with a guy just because he forked out for a beer and a pizza. Is that your price? Put it higher.
Rule 4: If you keep getting cancelled on, put it in the bin.
Rule 5: If they play the old Houdini act and then appear after a few weeks it means they were playing the field. Not a write off but proceed with caution.
Rule 6: If they talk about their ex too much chances are they aren’t over her.
Rule 7: Keep dates outside the house for a long time. Meet them in the day.
Rule 8: If they can’t keep up with your standards get a refund.
Rule 9: Be harsh. Don’t bend over backwards for someone who’s done little more than text you and take you for a drink. See what he’s made of.
Rule 10: Take off the lust goggles. A handsome face does not a husband make. Think of it like a giant hamburger – tastes amazing but full of saturated fat.
Rule 11: Good sex does not equal a good relationship. Don’t stay because the sex is amazing. If the only glue in your relationship is the physical you are on the wrong track.
Rule 12: See if he really likes kids. Some men may like you but just aren’t ready for that.
Rule 13: Don’t chase him. The only person you should be chasing is your kid at the park. If you are doing it with the man in your life, ditch.
Rule 14: If he’s still hanging out at the club chugging pitchers and you are subscribed to “Bride magazine” maybe you aren’t compatible.
Rule 15: If he has one picture on Tinder and it’s grainy , chances are he doesn’t look like that.
Rule 16: If he constantly asks you to “hang out” instead of actually arranging a proper date. This is a minimal effort required situation. You want effort!
Rule 17: If he asks you to come to him instead of coming to you then he’s after Dial-A-Ho not a girlfriend.
Rule 18: If you have seen his penis/ torso before you’ve so much as said “hello” just don’t even reply. A man who thinks his power lies in his body is not a man you want.
Rule 19: Don’t send dirty pictures/videos. The most enjoyment he will get out of that is a quick wank and laugh with his mates.
Rule 20: Don’t get drunk. Nothing worse than sloppy kebab breath and vomit while you grapple his penis unashamedly. He doesn’t want to hear about your issues with trust after Aunt Linda lost your toy doll when you were five either. Save it for a girls night.
Rule 21: Woman are more disposable than ever, thanks to the new style of dating. Make sure he sees you as indispensable instead.
Rule 22: Don’t be afraid to say no to a man. If he leaves, he leaves.
Rule 23: If he ghosts, let him go haunt someone else.
Rule 24: If you are constantly wondering what he wants- he wants nothing.
Rule 25: Don’t think you will “wow” him in bed to make him stay. Plenty of women can suck dick like a champion.
Rule 26: Make your own life a priority , if he can keep up you may be onto something.
Rule 27: If he can make you laugh, respect you AND put in the effort, as well as make you his girlfriend, introduce you to his friends and family- you might have found a keeper among the mire.