Maybe I was naive to assume that I would snap back into my skinny jeans an hour after giving birth? Who knew that Bio oil was a sham? Shit. I’m 26 and my stomach looks like something out of Star Trek….
Here’s to our bodies. Our amazing, slightly saggier bodies. They carried our demon spawn for the best part of a year and delivered them safely into the world. Hooray! Fit Moms on Instagram will have us believe that we can achieve abs, for now though, no amount of kale is going to change this. I will get a gym membership one day. But today is not that day. Here’s a list of what’s changed, and it was worth it.
1. I can now hold a pencil with my stomach flap. I could probably write a nasty letter to Theresa May with it. I may try that later.
2. The stretch marks ensure that I now have to buy swimwear that goes up to the waist. This requires me to pretend I’m into 50’s chic.
3. I now have a drawer full of “magic” underwear that I never needed before.
4. Sneezing has become Russian Roulette.
5. My breasts no longer sit on my chest like a pair of ripe, firm tomatoes.
6. I have tried every bizarre “hack” for a flat stomach on YouTube including wrapping myself up in cling film whilst covered in coffee.
7. My pelvic floor has the endurance of a newborn kitten.
8. Wearing maternity jeans past the maternity period.
9. If I play around with my stomach the skin can appear somewhat like a Mccoys crisp.This is both fascinating and gross.
10. My blood has been replaced by coffee.
11. I generally care less about my body and consider myself “looking good” if my hair is washed and I’m wearing jeans.
12. When I wear make up I literally think I am a superstar goddess because I hardly wear it anymore.
13. I’ve got used to shopping for “floaty” pieces.
14. I forgot how to walk in heels.
15. I now know how long my body hair can grow.
16. Batiste is my best friend.
17. Batiste is not my best friend when I look in the mirror after a full day of walking around in public with white patches in my hair.
18. Batiste becomes my best friend again when I learn they have a “brunette” version.
19. I realise the hang ups I had about my pre-baby body were nonsense.
20. I realise that all body hang ups are nonsense!